Feels like its been forever
by KCameron
Summary: Set seven years into Josh and Donna's marriage and the issues they face.
1. Chapter 1

_Where'd you go? I miss you so._

_Seems like it's been forever since you've been gone._

_Please come back home._

Since we've been married, Josh hasn't been home for more than two months straight without having to go somewhere for at least a week. Of course there were those six months after our daughter Adrianna was born and then three years after that he took another six months off after our son Leo was born. But other than that, it seems like he is always gone. I used to not mind it so much; well at least I convinced myself that I didn't. But more and more it becomes harder to have a relationship with your husband as he is jet setting around the country trying to get the next big thing elected.

Before we had children, we decided that if we needed to make the decision that my career would come second. I never minded this. I knew that I would want to be with my children more than have a high profile career. I just always thought that Josh would too. I guess I was wrong. I mean, I hate to sound like I'm complaining, but its just hard sometimes to have to watch your children grow up and know that your husband and their father is missing out on important moments in their lives.

Sure he calls, but it doesn't seem like that's enough anymore. Most of the time I have nothing to say to him. Most of the time he has nothing to say to me. He wants to talk to the kids and Adrianna will go on forever about how she went shopping with Aunt Helen and Cousin Miranda the other day and other odds and ends in her life, which is fine, because she doesn't know the difference yet. I'm scared for the day when she realizes that her daddy is choosing to work over spending time with her. Leo barely talks, mainly because he is a year and half old, but he knows how to say things like "Hi, Daddy!!" and "I wuv you!!" both of which he more screams than says in a normal human voice. Sometimes Josh will call me late at night because he's lonely, and he'll end up getting upset with me because I don't have anything to say.

Most mornings I'll wake up to find myself sleeping on Josh's side of the bed. I guess during the night I'll subconsciously move over to his side of the bed because somewhere in my dreams I am hoping that he is sleeping there. Then, reality strikes and I remember that he is in California or somewhere else with his candidate for God knows how long and my useless dreams are scattered back to the wind they came from.

The kids are getting so big. Adrianna seems to be growing taller by the minute, even though she is only five or five and three-quarters, as she likes to say. Her long blonde hair, blue eyes, and angelic smile make me think that I am going to be in a lot of trouble when she is old enough to start dating.

She just finished first grade this year. We started her in school early because she was already reading chapter books and doing first grade math. She is excited to be going to the "big kids" school this year, but it scares the hell out of me that she is going to be in school with kids all the way up to fifth grade but I know she'll be fine. Well, as long as she doesn't get into any fights. I had to pick her up from school twice this year for fighting. Once she only pulled another little girl's hair in her class because she had said that she was a Republican, not like she knew the difference, but in any case Adrianna yelled at her and told her that Republicans were evil and that she was stupid for being one. That wasn't the worst of my problems, however. Apparently a boy on the playground had made fun of President Bartlet and so Adrianna punched him. It sort of upsets me that she didn't inherit my patience and instead inherited her father's short fuse and hot temper.

Leo couldn't be any different than his sister, however. He's always been quiet. Even when he was an infant, he hardly ever cried. Even when he was hungry he would just sort of whimper in his crib and wait for me or Josh to come in and feed him. He just started speaking recently, unlike Adrianna who started walking and talking at eight months old. I guess Leo just had nothing to say until now. He'll walk around the house in his superman pajamas with the teddy bear that Josh brought him a while ago and just hum to himself or every once in a while, he'll say something to the lamp on the end table and then giggle to himself when he realizes that I am watching him. He named the bear Daddy,I keep trying to get him to understand that Daddy gave him the bear and that the bear's name isn't Daddy, but he insists that the bear's name is Daddy and he never goes anywhere without it.

Leo looks more like Josh than me, except for his blue eyes. His unruly auburn curls make him a sight to see when I wake him up in the morning and he has learned, like his sister and his father, the power of his dimples. It isn't fair how cute they are and how whenever Leo or Adrianna and even Josh can make me agree to anything, well almost anything, just by flashing the dimples.

Sometimes I'll get lonely and find myself taking Leo out of his crib and sitting on the rocking chair in his room with him in my arms or sitting on the edge of Adrianna's bed just because I miss Josh so much that being near our children makes me feel closer to him. Its on those nights when I wish that this would all be over, that Josh would come home and stay home. Its also on those nights that I think about leaving him, taking my children, telling him that he can choose his career or he can choose us but he has to choose, telling him that I've had it with him and his career and that if he leaves one more time I won't be here when he gets back. But then I look at my children and know that that would tear them apart, so I go back to my room and cry myself to sleep.

Some days I feel like I want this all to be over and some days I wish that I hadn't chosen this path at all. But then I think of my two beautiful children and how much I really do love Josh and I take back everything. I just wish that it would be easier than this. I wish that Josh would be here for me the way I need him to be and mostly, I've had it with him and his career. I want and need him to be a father and husband because in the end that's all that matters. I just wish he would see that.

* * * * * *

I sit on the couch and wait for Josh to get home. He called and said his plane was just getting in and that he would be home in an hour. Its late, but I wait up for him anyway. The need to see him is overtaking the need to sleep. He comes in the door and puts his coat on the coat rack. He sees me sitting on the couch and comes over and kisses me softly. "Hey." He says as he sits down next to me.

I curl myself into his arms and don't say anything. I battle with my words inside my head, debating telling him that I've had it with this and that he either chooses me and our kids or when he comes back home from his next trip I won't be here. "How was your trip?" I ask finally.

"Long." Josh answers. "Too long." He laughs tiredly and then runs his fingers through his hair and turns to kiss the top of my head. "I missed you and the kids. I hate being away from you guys this much."

"We miss you, too." I say sitting up and looking in his eyes. "Especially me. Every time you leave I hope that this will be the last time and that you will finally decide to stay here when you come home. But then you leave again and…I don't know it almost seems like we're not good enough for you…like we're not enough."

"Donna, it's not like that and you know it. I am just doing my job." He exasperates as if he is telling me something that he is tired of telling me.

"Right, Josh. I forgot about how important your job is to you. You know I just thought that maybe your children and your wife were more important. I don't know where I got that from, I guess that's just a crazy idea that I got from somewhere, huh?" I say accusingly.

Josh doesn't say anything. He doesn't even move, he just rubs his eyes which is his way of telling me that he doesn't want to have this fight without actually saying the words. "Donna—"

"You know what, Josh?" I stand up and look down to where he is sitting on the couch. "We don't have to have this fight right now. We don't ever have to have it if you don't want to. I just want to let you know that there is a possibility that the next time you come home I might not be here. Then I won't be here to take away from your job."

Josh just sits there and stares at me without saying a word and I feel like hitting him. He doesn't say that he doesn't want me to leave, doesn't make any promises that he's going to stay home this time, doesn't show any effort to keep me around at all. I go to our room and lock the door to the bathroom. I sit down against the wall and begin to cry. I hate myself for crying over him because I know I'm stronger than this. I went through this once with him and I promised myself that I would never cry over him again, but in the end it always seems like I end up alone crying my eyes out for a man that I am hopelessly in love with.

A few minutes later I hear a knock on the bathroom door. "Donnatella?" Josh says softly.

"Joshua?" I answer back. I don't want him to come in, at least I try and convince myself of that. Desperately though I hope that if I open the door for him he will pull me into an embrace and tell me he's sorry and that he's going to ask to be placed in the DC office and that he's going to be home at five every night and that he wants to be a good father and that it kills him that he made me hurt. But unfortunately, that is not the man I married and have known for all these years.

"Donna, I need you to unlock the door or I am going to unlock it myself." He says almost threateningly. Then something in his voice changes and he softly says, "Please, Donna."

It's the please that gets me, the tone of his voice that makes me think that maybe just maybe he is going to attempt to be everything I need him to be. So, I sit up a little and open the door before retaking my spot leaning against the cool, tiled wall.

Josh opens the door slowly and then takes a seat next to me on the bathroom floor. He is going to have a hell of a time getting up off the floor, but I am just going to let that slide for right now. "Donna, I'm—"

"Don't, Josh." I hiss. "Just don't sit here and give me those eyes and tell me you're sorry and that you're going to try harder this time. Because I don't want your fake apologies and your empty promises." I say as I close my eyes so that I don't have to look at him. Josh has always boasted that he is a pitbull and can take anything that is thrown his way, but I know that if you look at his eyes it is easy to see his hurt. So I close my eyes, so that I can pretend that I'm not hurting him.

"Donna, I don't know what to say." He says resting his head against the wall. "I don't want you to leave."

"I wish that was enough this time, Josh." I whisper.

"I need you, Donna. I love you." He says running his fingers through his hair. "I don't know what else you want me to say"

"Do you remember that teddy bear that you bought Leo on one of your trips?" I ask, turning to face him.

"The Chicago Bears one?" I nod. "Of course I do."

"Do you know what he named it?" Josh shakes his head and I continue. "He named it Daddy. That's the bear's name. Daddy. And you know why that is? Because he doesn't know who you are. I love you, Josh. Nothing will ever change that, but its not just me who needs you anymore. I can't ask your children to deal with things that I have had to deal with the for the seventeen years that I have known you. I love them too much."

"I love them too, Donna. They're my children." He says as if he is surprised that I just accused him of not caring about his children.

"Really? You have a funny way of showing it." My strength is beginning to fail me and I can feel the tears welling up in my eyes once again. "When you married me, you promised to love me forever. Sometimes I wonder if that is still the case."

A small tear slips down my cheek and in an instant I can feel Josh's hand on my face, wiping the tear away. "I promised you then that I would be there for you and I know that I haven't done such a good job doing that, but I will never stop loving you. Ever." He turns to me and stares into my eyes and I keep them open so I can return his gaze. "I've gotten so bogged down in all of this crap that I've forgotten what's important to me. You, Leo, and Adrianna, you're what's important to me. If you give me another chance I promise that I will spend the rest of our lives together making it up to you and our children."

Josh's eyes are full of hurt and sorrow, but my heart is not so quick to let go again. "I don't know how many more chances I can give you, Joshua. I can't just keep giving you room to mess up and then take you back when you do. I can't do that for the rest of my life." I say as my voice cracks with the thought of spending the rest of my life without Josh.

"I won't mess up. I can't bear to lose you. I promise." He says taking me in his arms and holding me close to his chest. "I love you so much, Donnatella. I'm so sorry."

"I love you, too." I say and lean up to kiss him softly on the lips.


	2. Chapter 2

"I love you, too." I say and lean up to kiss him softly on the lips. "I'm sorry for all of this. Its just that its hard sometimes. When we were younger and didn't have kids it was fine, but now…I don't know it just feels different."

Josh pulls me into his arms and kisses my shoulder through my t-shirt. "I know. But here's the thing. I love my job, but I love you and Leo and Adrianna more than I will ever love my job. I am the job, but that doesn't mean I have to make the same mistakes that people who have come before me have."

"Josh, I'm not asking you to quit your job." I admit even though somewhere in the back of my mind I was hoping he would. But that's not my Josh.

"I am going to transfer to the D.C. headquarters." Josh says.

"Is that what you want?" I ask as I turn to face him.

"I am still going to be running the campaign, except I'll be running it from here where I can still be home every night to have dinner with my family." Josh says without taking his eyes off of mine "This is more important to me than my job. I promised you that a long time ago that I wouldn't forget about my marriage, that I wouldn't make that mistake." He leans in and kisses me and I wrap my arms around his neck and pull him closer to me as he wraps his arms around my back.

"Daddy?" A little voice says from the bathroom door.

Josh and I turn around to see Leo in his Superman pajamas standing in the doorway, clutching his teddy bear to his chest. Josh immediately stands up and goes to pick Leo up off the floor. "What's up big guy?" Josh asks as he brushes a few stray curls out of Leo's eyes.

I see my son's eyes fill with tears as he says "I had a bad dream." A tear starts to slip down Leo's cheek and I have the sudden impulse to get up and wrap him in my arms and never let him go, but I stay in my current position on the floor and watch my attempt to fight away the demons that threaten our son's dreams.

Josh pulls Leo closer to him and wraps his arms protectively across his back. "Shh. Big guy, its ok. Dreams can be scary sometimes, huh?" Leo nods his head and wipes at a tear with his tiny fist. "Why don't I sit with you for a little while until you fall asleep." Leo again nods and Josh smiles down at me as he walks out of the bathroom towards Leo's room.

I sit on the cold bathroom floor for a few more minutes after Josh leaves before I get up and walk towards Leo's room. I stare in the room and see Josh sitting on the rocking chair with Leo while he talks to him. Leo is resting his head on Josh's chest just listening to the sound of Josh's voice reverberating inside his chest. Since he was born Leo has loved the sound of Josh's voice. When he was a baby I would hand him to Josh and Josh would hold Leo while he sat in the rocking chair and just talk to him and it would calm Leo down almost immediately.

Leo falls asleep again and Josh puts him gently down in his crib when he turns and sees me standing in the doorway. He just smiles and walks towards me, grabbing my hand and leading me back down the hallway to our room. He wraps his arms around me when he lays down in the bed next to me and I snuggle into him as I realize just how much I love being in his arms. "I love you so much, Donnatella." He whispers into my ear.

"I love you, Joshua." I say as I kiss his hand and then close my eyes to fall asleep.

* * * * *

Three Months Later

I sit on the marble stairs of the Lincoln Memorial. I take the kids here all the time and they run up and down the steps until they eventually tire themselves out and I end up carrying them all the way home. In all honesty, that is why I bring them here because after they have been playing for a few hours it is much easier to get them to go to sleep when we get home.

I feel a presence behind me and two little hands all of a sudden cover my eyes. "Guess who, Mommy." I hear Leo's voice as he giggles at the hilarity of his own joke.

"Ummm…." More giggling "is this Uncle Matt?" I decide to humor my son, even though I could pick his voice out in a crowded room where there are a million voices speaking at once. He giggles some more. "Is this Leo?" I say, quickly turning around and grabbing him by the waist to tickle him. Leo squirms out of an extreme ticklishness and laughs with his smile reaching all the way to his eyes.

"How did you guess, Mommy?" Leo asks in bewilderment.

"I don't know. I'm just lucky I guess." I admit as I straighten out his shirt that has come untucked once again and attempt to smooth down his hair.

He looks at me in disbelief for a second, almost as if he is pondering whether or not I was cheating, but then he forgets and sits down next to me on the marble stairs. "Mommy can I have some bubblegum?" Leo asks sweetly, turning towards me and flashing his dimples.

"You may." I smile, "But you have to give me two kisses first."

Leo ponders the deal for a moment before smiling impishly and saying "Ok!" He then leans in and plants two soft kisses on the cheek that I had turned his way.

"Ok, now that you've paid the tax you may have one piece of bubblegum." I open my purse and dig out a package of gum while scanning the crowd to find Adrianna who I had not seen run up or back down the stairs in a few minutes.

"I want the green gum." Leo says impatiently as he stands on the stair in front of me and rocks back and forth on his heels in anticipation.

"I only have the white gum. So, its this or nothing, mister." I hand him the gum and stand up, continuing scanning the crowd for my daughter. I told her to stay where I could see her, but she seems to have run too far down the mall again. "Adrianna!" I call out and shield my eyes from the sun so that I can see further down for any little blonde girl running along the side of the reflecting pool. "Adrianna Lyman!" I call again.

"Here I am, Mommy!" I hear Adrianna's voice shriek as I feel her wrap her tiny body around my leg.

A flood of relief washes over me and I pick her up and kiss her forehead. "There you are, princess." Adrianna smiles at me with a grin that is all her father and I can't help but smile back at her. "I was just giving Leo a piece of bubblegum. Would you like a piece?"

Adrianna nods and I put her down so that I can retrieve a piece of gum for her out of my purse, but also so that I can re-pullback her hair which has fallen loose again. She squirms a little as I tug on her hair, there is nothing that my daughter hates more than having her hair played with or brushed. She screams bloody murder if you have to brush through the smallest snarl.

Once I have finished with her hair, I reach back into my purse and take out another stick of gum. "Before I let you have this. You have to pay the toll." I say, waving the stick of gum in front of her face. Adrianna merely rolls her eyes. Where did I get such a know-it-all for a daughter? And the answer to that question would be her father. "You have to give me two kisses first."

Adrianna giggles and then grabs both sides of my head and places two kisses squarely on my lips. I laugh and hand over the piece of gum to her and sit back down on the stairs, pulling Leo into my lap in the process.

"You better be saving some of those kisses for me, Dri!" I hear Josh say as he walks up the steps to the memorial.

Adrianna turns around quickly and cries "Daddy!" before launching herself into Josh's waiting arms and wrapping her arms around his neck.

Josh hugs her tightly and places a tender kiss on the top of her head. "How was your day, princess?" He asks as Adrianna loosens her grip around his neck so that she can look at his face.

"Eh!" Adrianna shrugs, her eyes sparkling.

"Just, eh?" Josh asks inquisitively. He looks at me and smiles over Adrianna's shoulder. I shake my head and laugh a little to myself at how much she and Josh are alike.

"We didn't do anything very interesting." Adrianna sighs as if she is a player in some dramatic play.

Josh laughs and then sets her back down on the steps before taking a seat next to me on the stairs. "How was your day?" He asks me before placing a soft kiss on my lips. Which gets a groan from Adrianna.

"Its better now that you're here." I respond honestly. I mean don't get me wrong I'm not complaining and I love spending time with my children, but the whole day seems better when Josh is with me.

"Really?" He asks kisses my cheek. "I could say the same thing about my day."

"Daddy." Leo chimes in. "Kissing is grwoss." He says sticking out his tongue to show his disgust.

"One day, Buddy." Josh says as he picks up Leo and places him on his own lap. "You won't think that kissing is so gross anymore."

Leo merely shakes his head and then snuggles into Josh's arms, placing his head on Josh's chest. I know that he is tired because he starts sucking on his thumb and playing with his ear with his free hand. Josh strokes Leo's hair lovingly. He then looks at me and smiles as he reaches out for my hand and gives it a light squeeze.

"I think these kids are getting tired." I note. The sun is beginning to go down and I need to get them home so that I can give them something to eat before putting them to bed.

"Yeah." Josh agrees. "We should get going." He begins to stand up and I reach over and grab his backpack to carry it to the car. "Come on, Dri." Josh holds out his hand and Adrianna grabs on to it without another word needing to be said.

I smile to myself as we begin walking towards the car. There were those times I had my doubts, but Josh really is a good father. Josh loves Adrianna and Leo so much and it is adorable to watch the three of them together.

Later that night, I clean up the dishes from dinner while Josh reads a bedtime story to Adrianna and Leo. They are all sitting on the reclining chair Leo is curled up on Josh's lap while Adrianna is squeezed in between Josh and the chair and Josh has his arms around both of them. They have been reading Peter Pan every night for the past week and already Adrianna has declared it her favorite book. But I know better. In reality, any book that Josh reads her is her favorite book.

"Ok munchkins." Josh says, closing the book and setting it down on the coffee table. "Its time for bed."

"Daddy!" Both of my children whine at the same time. It makes me laugh to realize how much they sound like their father.

"Come on. Get up!" He says as he pushes the two of them off the chair. "Time to get into bed." But the minute he stands up, both kids sit right back down on the reclining chair. Josh laughs to himself as he turns around and sees the two of them laughing like hyenas at what they think is a funny joke.

"Ok. The two have you have three seconds to stand up and get into bed before I have to take matters into my own hands." Josh play threatens. Leo and Adrianna, however, continue to stay put and only laugh harder at his tone. Josh begins to count. "One, two, three." And the second he reaches three he reaches down and picks up both children in one large swoop.

Both children scream and wriggle under his arms, but are not strong enough to pry themselves from his grip. I smile as Josh carries them down the hallway, placing Adrianna in her bed first and then Leo.

Josh leans over and kisses Leo goodnight. "I wuv you, Daddy." Leo yawns as he clutches his teddy bear to his chest.

Josh strokes Leo's head lovingly for a second and then replies "I love you, too, Leo." He then switches off the light, closes the door a little and then walks back to Adrianna's room where she is sitting up in her bed holding the Peter Pan book that she went and retrieved from the living room when Josh wasn't looking. Josh takes the book out of her hands and she looks at him in anger. "Its time for bed, princess."

"But Daddy, it was just getting to the good part where Wendy saves Tiger Lilly from Captain Hook." Adrianna whines as she lies down in her bed and yawns.

"Captain Hook and Wendy will still be there in the morning, princess." Josh says as he sits down on the edge of her bed.

"You promise?" Adrianna yawns.

"I promise, princess." Josh says. He then leans in and kisses her on the forehead then reaches to shut off her bedside lamp.

"Daddy?" Adrianna says sitting up in her bed.

"Yes, princess?" He asks as he stops at the doorway and turns around to look at her.

"I love you." Adrianna says sweetly and with all her heart.

"I love you." Josh says as he walks towards her and places one more kiss on her brow before leaving. "Now go to sleep." He then shuts the door behind him and walks toward the living room where I am sitting on the couch watching the news.

He sits down beside me and pulls me closer to him without saying a word. We sit there in silence for a while before he turns off the TV and drags me to bed. I know that things aren't perfect and that ours inst a fairytale marriage; but then again, who needs that? Things will never be perfect and some days it's still hard, but I know that I have Josh and that at the end of the day he comes home to me and our children. And that's all I'll ever need.


End file.
